Emotionally Healthy Christian Seeks the Same

“The righteous choose their friends carefully.” (Proverbs 12:26a NIV)

If you wait for the perfect wife or the perfect husband, it isn’t going to happen. Let me tell you why: We’re all broken. That’s OK, because God still loves you. But you need to understand that anybody you marry will be broken.

Everybody’s broken, but some people are a lot more broken than others. And you need to avoid them no matter how good-looking, rich, or nice they are. You have to figure out the emotional health of your potential partner before you enter into a long-term relationship.

Why am I saying this? Study after study has shown that 80 percent of all separations and divorce happen because one or both of the partners are emotionally unhealthy.

I’m going to give you a partial checklist of emotional health factors. These aren’t my opinion; this is what God says you need to avoid.

Whoever you marry must not be nursing any uncontrolled anger. Proverbs 22:24 says, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person; do not associate with one easily angered” (NIV). Do you know why? Because uncontrolled anger reveals deep insecurity and low self-worth.

Whoever you marry must not be stuck in an addiction. Proverbs 23:20 says, “Don’t associate with people who drink too much wine or stuff themselves with food” (TEV). Only two things are mentioned here, food and alcohol, but there are a thousand ways to get addicted.

Whoever you marry must not be harboring bitterness. Bitterness is like a poison — it eats you alive. Whatever you resent, you begin to resemble. To stop resenting; you’ve got to release it. The Bible says in Hebrews 12:15, “Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes many troubles with its poison” (GNT).

Whoever you marry must not be selfish. Why? Proverbs 28:25 says, “Selfishness only causes trouble.” When it comes down to it, the number one cause of conflict in marriage is simple: selfishness.

Whoever you marry must not be greedy. Proverbs 15:27 says, “Greed brings grief to the whole family” (NLT). If you marry a greedy spouse, you will be in debt your entire life.

Whoever you marry must be generous and kind. The Bible says, “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed” (Proverbs 11:25 NIV). And,“Those who are kind benefit themselves, but the cruel bring ruin on themselves”(Proverbs 11:17).

Whoever you marry must tell the truth. Proverbs 20:7 says this: “A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity. Blessed are his children after he is gone” (GWT). Love is based on trust, and trust is based on truth. If you don’t tell me the truth, I can’t trust you. And if I can’t trust you, how can I love you?

You might be thinking, “This sure is a long list, Rick. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anybody who fits this.” Oh, really? I did. And you can, too.

When Kay and I got married, Leonard Ravenhill, who was a great preacher of the previous generation, sent us a wedding card. I’ve never forgotten what it said: “God always gives his best to those who leave the choice to him.” I wanted God’s best in my life, and I got it.

Talk It Over

• What are some other emotional health factors that you think God wants you to consider in a potential partner?
   
• How does selfishness cause conflict in a relationship?

Courageous People Resolve Conflict

“God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT)

Why does God want us to live at peace with everyone? Because unresolved conflict has three devastating effects in your life.

First, it blocks your fellowship with God. When you’re out of whack with others, you can’t be in harmony with God. When you’re distracted, when you’re in conflict with other people, you cannot have a clear connection with God. 1 John 4:20 says, “If someone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar” (NLT).

Second, unresolved conflict hinders your prayers. Over and over again the Bible says that where there is conflict and sin and disharmony in your life, your prayers are blocked.

Third, unsolved conflict hinders your happiness. You cannot be happy and in conflict at the same time. When conflict comes in the front door, happiness goes out the back.

So, don’t you want to get rid of the conflict in your life? The starting point of resolving any conflict is to take the initiative. Don’t wait for them to come to you; go to them. You be the peacemaker.

Don’t ignore the conflict. Don’t deny the conflict. Don’t push the conflict under the carpet.

Have you heard the expression, “Time heals everything?” That’s a bunch of bologna. Time heals nothing! If time heals everything, you wouldn’t ever need to see the doctor.

Actually, time makes things worse. When you’ve got an open wound and you don’t deal with it, it festers. Anger turns to resentment, and resentment turns to bitterness.

The conflict is not going to resolve itself. You’ve got to intentionally deal with it.

Only courageous people resolve conflict. Maybe the most courageous thing you can do is face an issue that you’ve been ignoring for a long time in your marriage, or with your kids, or with your employees, or your boss, or whoever.

Where do you find the courage to face it? You get it from God.

The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self discipline.” That means if you let God’s Spirit fill your life, you're going to be filled with power, love, and self-discipline. And God’s love overcomes fear.

When your love is greater than your fear, you’ll do things you’re afraid to do. That’s called courage. When you’re filled with God’s love, you’ll also be filled with love for that person who is irritating you or that person you’re in conflict with.

Talk About It

• What are you pretending is not a problem in your relationships? Money? Trust? In-laws? Family? Children? Communication? Values? Work schedule?
   
• What will you do today to take the initiative to resolve those conflicts?

Choosing Words Wisely

Words are very important.  When we say to someone:  "You are an ugly, useless, despicable person," we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life.  Words can continue to do harm for many years.

It is so important to choose our words wisely.  When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent.  Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard.   Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.

Do You Need a Heart Transplant?

The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.” (Proverbs 29:25 MSG)

If you’re going to get control of anger in your life, you must base your identity on Jesus, understanding that he loves you unconditionally, that you are his, that you are valuable, and that he has a purpose and plan for your life.

If you build your identity on anything else, you’ll struggle with insecurity your whole life. You can build your identity on your job, but you can lose your job. You can build your identity on how good-looking you are, but you may lose your good looks. You can build your identity on the person you married, but he or she is going to die. You can build your identity on being popular, but you’re not always going to be popular.

If you build your identity on anything that can be taken away from you, you’re going to be insecure, and insecurity is at the root of your anger. Until you start feeling secure about yourself, people are going to be able to push your buttons. When you know who you are and whose you are, people can’t push your buttons. They can’t get to you. Anger and insecurity go together. The more insecure you feel, the angrier you feel.

The Bible says in Proverbs 29:25, “The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that” (MSG).

When you get angry, your mouth just reveals what’s inside your heart. A harsh tongue reveals an angry heart. A negative tongue reveals a fearful heart. A boasting tongue reveals an insecure heart. An overactive tongue reveals an unsettled heart. A judgmental tongue reveals a guilty heart. A critical tongue reveals a bitter heart. A filthy tongue reveals an impure heart.

On the other hand, an encouraging tongue reveals a happy heart, a gentle tongue reveals a loving heart, and a controlled tongue reveals a peaceful heart.

You know what you need to get rid of your anger problem? You need a heart transplant. Fortunately, God specializes in them. It’s called salvation! God gives you a brand new heart and a brand new identity. You don’t have to find your identity in your job or your bank account or your good looks or your relationships, because you find your identity in what God says about you.

Jesus can heal the three things that cause anger: hurt, frustration, and fear. Jesus can heal your hurting heart with his love. Jesus can replace your frustrated heart with his peace. Jesus can replace your insecure heart with his power.

If you pick up a crying baby and hold it close so that it feels warm and secure, it stops crying. It stops being angry. When you feel secure and accepted in Jesus Christ, your anger is going to dissipate.

Pray this prayer today: “Dear God, I admit I have a problem with my anger. I let other people push my buttons, I get even, and I don’t think before speaking. I’m asking for your help. Help me to reflect before reacting. Help me to learn to release my anger appropriately. Help me to find my identity completely in you. I open myself completely to you. Come into my life. Save me. Make the changes that only you can make. In your name I pray. Amen.”

Healing Letters

When you write a very angry letter to a friend who has hurt you deeply, don't send it!  Let the letter sit on your table for a few days and read it over a number of times.  Then ask yourself:  "Will this letter bring life to me and my friend?  Will it bring healing, will it bring a blessing?"   You don't have to ignore the fact that you are deeply hurt.  You don't have to hide from your friend that you feel offended.  But you can respond in a way that makes healing and forgiveness possible and opens the door for new life.   Rewrite the letter if you think it does not bring life, and send it with a prayer for your friend.

Anger Yields Anger, Wisdom Yields Patience

“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV)

Hurt people hurt people. When someone hurts you, it’s because they’ve been hurt. Unkind people have never felt kindness. Unloving people feel unloved. When someone is rude, bitter, unkind, sarcastic, mean spirited, or arrogant, they are shouting with all of their behaviors, “I am in pain! I need massive doses of love! I do not feel secure!” Because secure, loved people don’t act that way. The person who feels deeply loved and deeply secure is generous and gracious to other people.

If you want to just get even with people, fine. You’re no better than they are. When you get even, you are no better than the person who has attacked you. To be better than that person, you overcome evil with good. You respond with love. You look past their words to their pain.

Edwin Markum wrote a short poem that goes like this: “They drew a circle to shut me out, heretic, a rebel, a thing to flout. But love and I had the wit to win. We drew a circle that took them in.”

Here’s a myth that everybody’s been sold by modern psychology but that is flat out wrong: You have only a set amount of anger in your life, and it’s like you’ve got a bucket of anger. When that bucket gets full, modern psychologists say you need to express it. You need to just pour it out. Then, when the bucket is empty, it will be cathartic.

If you believe this myth, you’re going to struggle with anger your entire life, because you don’t have a bucket of anger in your life. You have a factory! That factory can keep on producing and producing and producing. When you get rid of that, you’ll get more. In fact, the more anger you throw out, the more it produces.

Study after study has shown that aggression only creates more aggression. Angry outbursts lead to more anger, more often, until it becomes a habitual pattern in your life.

The answer is not just to throw it out. It’s just going to refill! The answer is to let it go. “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV).

Talk About It

• Why do you think it is so hard for us to let things go, even and sometimes especially between the people we love most?
   
• What can you fill your life with so that you overflow with goodness and not anger?

The Wounded Healer

Nobody escapes being wounded.  We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.   The main question is not "How can we hide our wounds?" so we don't have to be embarrassed, but "How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?"  When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.

Jesus is God's wounded healer: through his wounds we are healed.  Jesus' suffering and death brought joy and life.  His humiliation brought glory; his rejection brought a community of love.  As followers of Jesus we can also allow our wounds to bring healing to others.

How Time Heals

"Time heals," people often say.  This is not true when it means that we will eventually forget the wounds inflicted on us and be able to live on as if nothing happened.  That is not really healing;  it is simply ignoring reality.  But when the expression "time heals" means that faithfulness in a difficult relationship can lead us to a deeper understanding of the ways we have hurt each other, then there is much truth in it.  "Time heals" implies not passively waiting but actively working with our pain and trusting in the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation.

Beyond Jealousy

Jealousy arises easily in our hearts.  In the parable of the prodigal son, the elder son is jealous that his younger brother gets such a royal welcome even though he and his loose women swallowed up his father's property (Luke 15:30).  And in the parable of the labourers in the vineyard, the workers who worked the whole day are jealous that those who came at the eleventh hour receive the same pay as they did  (see Matthew 20:1-16).   But the Father says to the older son:  "You are with me always and all I have is yours" (Luke 15:31).  And the landowner says:  "Why should you be envious because I am generous?" (Matthew 20:15).

When we truly enjoy God's unlimited generosity, we will be grateful for what our brothers and sisters receive.  Jealousy will simply have no place in our hearts.

When God is Silent or Delays

Written by Anita Carman at Today's Christian Woman

God's delays have often perplexed me. It seems to me that since his goal is to reach the world for him, when I ask him, "What do you want me to do with my life?," he should answer quickly and immediately so I can get on with whatever it is he wants me to do. Instead, there is often silence. But why would God be silent if he desires me to do his will?

I kept thinking the problem was God, but one day God opened my eyes to see that the problem was me.

I realized that God often was waiting to answer because I was not ready. I "surrendered all" without understanding the cost. I said I would go wherever he led, but my willingness to go was really based on my own ideas about where I was going. My intention wasn't for God to tell me what he wanted me to do, but for him to bless my plans. It hadn't occurred to me that God had plans of his own and that I existed for his purpose. To my total shock, I realized that God was silent because he was showing grace. He was silent because I was still in preparation for the call. He knew I wasn't ready.

We know that God is the perfect steward of his resources—and those resources include us. He doesn't waste our gifts and talents, but he might wait to use them until we are perfectly prepared for the task he has for us. So if God hasn't spoken, it must be because it's not time. He is still in preparation, and we are part of that preparation.

Understanding God's call on your life

God orchestrates the events of our lives to lead us to his calling for us. But still so many of us miss the boat or shrink back from what he wants us to do. He leads us to what he wants, and then he waits for us to understand and accept it. Through my own experiences, God has shown me that there are three stages to understanding and accepting our calling:.

Stage One: Declare That You Will Follow

This stage may sound obvious. After all, if we don't plan to follow God's call, why would we want to understand it? However, it is not as easy as it might seem. When initially confronted with God's plan, we may feel overwhelmed and immediately shrink back from it. We might not want to respond for various reasons.

Luke 9:57-62 tells of several situations where those who professed their desire to follow Jesus immediately came up with all kinds of reasons to justify delaying their obedience (which, in fact, is disobedience).

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-bye to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

God wants us to respond to him with obedience, regardless of the cost. So the first step in understanding and accepting his call is just that—declaring you will accept it.

Stage Two: Fully Appreciate the Cost and Be Willing to Pay It

It might seem as if you should fully appreciate the cost of God's calling before accepting it. But the experience has shown me that no matter how long I take to assess the cost of obedience, I don't fully appreciate it until I make my unwavering declaration to follow.

So what will compel us to not only declare our commitment to Christ, but also to actually pay the cost of following him? God has shown me that often my delay in following Jesus boils down to the question Jesus asked Peter three times in John 21: "Do you love me?"

Could it really be that simple? Is accepting the cost really just about settling in our hearts if we love him? God showed me the answer to this through my own personal life. If my husband or sons were ill, would I not spare any expense to help them recover? Would I reprioritize my schedule to get them to the hospital? Would I not cut expenses wherever I could to be able to pay for their care? Would I spend one second analyzing whether I would pay for the cost? In my answers to those questions, I answer the question of whether or not I love them. I would do what I needed to do, no matter the cost, because I love them.

Few people question how much of themselves, their time, and their resources they will give their children or grandchildren. Few parents would hesitate to give a kidney to their dying child. Yet when it comes to giving God what he longs for, we often find ourselves setting a ceiling on our affections, which effectually tell him that we don't really love him—our Father and King. We must be willing to pay the cost in order to follow God's call.

Stage Three: Acknowledge God's Power

After we declare our commitment to God and decide that we are willing to pay the cost no matter what, we need to realize that the only way we can give God what he desires is through leaning on him and trusting in his power. If we try to do it on our own, we will surely fail. It is through his strength that we can actually pay the cost of our calling.

I knew a woman who wrestled with God when he first called her to serve in the ministry. She accepted the call. She understood clearly how much her calling would cost her, and she took a leap of faith in accepting it. She felt comfortable until she got to stage three: Part of the cost was leaving corporate America to serve God full-time in ministry.

She asked God to part the Red Sea by providing for her financially before she cut the umbilical cord from her corporate job. As I watched her wrestle with her decision, I knew from observing God's patterns that he was not going to provide for her until she stopped trying to solve challenges in her own power. Using her own human logic, she determined she did not know anyone who could support her, and tried to make ends meet through her own savings. She ran short. Meanwhile, God had connections for her throughout the city, but she never once asked God to lead her to these connections. As a result, she stayed in corporate America, and missed God's divine appointment.

In her human capability, she was not able to trust God with new ways to provide for her future finances. It is when we humble ourselves before God and acknowledge his power over all things that he will then carry us to a level beyond our wildest imagination. Let's look at an example of this in the life of a member of our royal family tree. When Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, he asked the question three times. The first time, Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" (John 21:15). The word Jesus used for "love" in this question was the Greek word agapao, which is a decision to love—the same kind of love that led Jesus to finish his work on the cross. There are times when we do not feel like loving, but we do so as an act of our choice and will. That is agapao love. Peter's answer to this questions was, "Yes Lord … you know that I love you" (John 21:15). But the Greek word for love that Peter used was phileo, which is a friendship type of love, clearly not one as intense as what Jesus was asking for.

In John 21:16, Jesus asked Peter a second time, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" Again, he used the word agapao. And Peter again answered with phileo. Then an incredible thing happened. Jesus asked Peter the question a third time, but this time he used the word phileo instead of agapao. He confirmed Peter's admission that he could not, in his own power, do what was asked of him. So God went to where Peter was. It is the same with us. When we humble ourselves before him and acknowledge our human weaknesses, he meets us where we are, and then he grows us into what he is asking of us.

I wish I could tell you that God speaks clearly and consistently, but there are many days when I can't hear him. Yet that doesn't mean I should just give up. I believe that often that doesn't mean I should just give it up. I believe that often God uses those times of silence to see if I will trust him more. When I know that I am on the path God has called me to, yet he is silent, I simply proceed through any open door I can find. I don't stop because he isn't speaking. Even when no doors seem to be open, I can't give up on his dream.

As I look back over the years at Inspire Women, I remember many times I just wanted to crawl into bed and never wake up because of God's silence during the storms. Yet all the while, I felt a strong conviction that I was doing exactly what God wanted. I knew that God was watching over me and that he wanted to know if he could trust me to keep going even when he was silent.

I have learned that the more we walk with God, the more faith he expects for us. As God conforms us to Jesus' image, he will walk us into times when he is intentionally silent, and he will watch to see if we stay on course and keep doing the last thing we heard him tell us to do.

Adapted from Transforming for a Purpose: Fulfulling God's Mission as Daughters of the King. Copyright © 2009 by Anita Carman. Used by permission of Moody Publishers.